Not babyh8ing, just fœtus h8ing

January 14, 2009

Pregnancy is one of life’s grandest buzzkills. Yes, babies are a gift and a blessing, if not the ultimate time and money suck. But the shizz you gotta go through to get them can take a flyin flippin leap off the Hoan Bridge. At least it would find some elegance there. So without further adieu…

I miss booze.
I miss wussy girlie martinis.
I miss bending over without feeling like there was a soccer ball in the way.
I miss being able to ingest what I want, when I want to.
I miss wine like a motherfucker.
I miss my strong camel bladder.
I miss lying on my back.
I miss beer so much I’d settle for a Keystone Light.
I miss my full lung capacity.
I miss driving past Babies R Us and not feeling possessed to spend a shitload.
I miss a normal, slut-optional wardrobe.
I miss easy leg shaving and cooter maintenance.
I miss my internal organs being properly placed.
I miss all that tasty mercury in sushi.
I miss a mellow buzz.
I miss bras with fewer than 5 prongs.
I miss NyQuil – it makes a dandy eggnog.
I miss not tasting bile every 25 minutes.
I miss a strong back for toddler hauling.
I miss snow shoeing.
I miss not being nickel-n-dimed by co-pays.
I ACTUALLY miss shoveling snow. I really and truly do. Even on a shitty day like today.


Have I mentioned that I miss getting tanked?

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3 Responses to “Not babyh8ing, just fœtus h8ing”

  1. Sheila Says:

    It will be over soon and then you can still miss everything because you are exhausted. Wait, that doesn’t make you feel better. You will have a beautiful little baby though.

  2. monado Says:

    Do take the childbirth training. Breathing and relaxing are a big help. There will still be a point where you think you can’t stand it – but at that point, it will be nearly over. Good luck!


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