Stickiest of the Icky

December 4, 2010

Checked out from the Sha Library…Curious George circa 1985.

On the grass? Barefoot? That’s no Camel.

Dear C. Brown, can I just pick one? My kid has a penchant for firearms and art museums have too many droopy boobs.

Shorty: Daddy, why do you need more wine?
Mommy: It’s called coping, Buddy, someday you’ll understand.


Hellö Cleveländ

November 24, 2009

It was a steaming good time in The Cleve this past weekend.

The Pro Football Hall of Fame is awesome and refreshingly dated. Considering the big business that is the NFL, I am madly in love how downright modest and old school the building and it’s collections are. And while I take issue with any glorification of the Packalope, it was an NFL nerd’s dream.

Frame OJ? Well, hell. I really love those Naked Gun movies- but you’re right. It’s just too good. We have got to get that son of a bitch!

The warehouse district offers plenty enough douchebaggery for one city. The Sunset Lounge gets a rave for $4 martinis during happy hour; the sushi was meh. The Pinots at D’vine Wine Bar were bad enough but the service was worse. Two thumbs down. In fact, the service was bad in a lot of those wannabe joints. What are you gonna do? It’s a bad economy, so why not take it out on the customers? Seems logical.

Kevin’s Martini Bar: as you can imagine, totally unpretentious. Hi bubblegum vodka!

The only way you could make a group of Ohio State fans any scarier on Michigan game day would be to shroud them in Snuggies.

On to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, because, like Springsteen, they’re outsiders and rebels in their multi-million dollar mansions and fleet of designer cars. I give this place a decidedly mixed review, but as a music nerd, my expectations were high.

The stage costumes were awesome, especially P-Funk, Queen and David Bowie. I wish Madonna had her 80s slut gear on display though; that would have made me feel all junior high and shit.

I pink puffy heart LOVED the punk stuff, but then they phoned in the 80s. Aside from Joy Division, they almost completely ignored new wave and early alternative influences. Where do you think the last decade-and-a-half of mediocre music has come from? Boo!

So a resounding eff you, RIAA, you clearly have your big fat nose all up in the RRHOF’s privates. Speaking of which, Metallica sucks. And so does Bono, the big corporate poseur that he’s become.

And finally, in an open letter to Led Zeppelin, you should have so much more than one measly photo of Robert Plant. You deserve a more worthy shrine to your greatness and influence.  If y’all were from Milwaukee I’d build it for you.

I couldn’t tell if she was a Zilla, but the dress looked pretty high maintenance.

In other reviews, Cleveland is clearly not a legitimate brew town, because the only microbrewery in the area with tasting tours on Saturday was closed and shut down when they were supposed to be open. Screw you, Great Lakes Brewing Company… you’re Christmas beer isn’t THAT good.

But Blue Point Grille? You lived up to the hype. Your food IS that good. Did I mention the bisque? Wonderful, headless calamari, and melt in my mouth scallops. Good service too. Yums.

The shining gem in this city, far as I can see, is the Cleveland Museum of Art. They hit all the high notes of western civ. This is not one of those fluff collections with a bunch of also-rans. I was practically humping the walls full of my Baroque-Rococo-Neo-Classic-Romanticism faves. Seriously one of the best art museums I’ve been too. And despite my obviously crass klassiness, I’ve been to lots of them.

And yeah, they had the stupid big block of nothing art that some goof decided was the pinnacle of human achievement (straight lines!), but at least there was no talking doll with a chair on his head moping about man’s inhumanity to man. Two opposable thumbs up!!

Treat her well, dear Cleveland, she’s a keeper.

On our way out of town, we watched the Browns drop a heartbreaker to the Lions. Time out, Mangini… Favre threw you under the bus and now you’ve lost to Detroit. Maybe Brett should have called you before the game to dish inside information or something. You know, to make good, because, “it was about everyone else. Coaches, players, fans… ((sobs)).”

Kiss Me…

March 17, 2009

I’m 78.3% Irish.


Pregnancy is one of life’s grandest buzzkills. Yes, babies are a gift and a blessing, if not the ultimate time and money suck. But the shizz you gotta go through to get them can take a flyin flippin leap off the Hoan Bridge. At least it would find some elegance there. So without further adieu…

I miss booze.
I miss wussy girlie martinis.
I miss bending over without feeling like there was a soccer ball in the way.
I miss being able to ingest what I want, when I want to.
I miss wine like a motherfucker.
I miss my strong camel bladder.
I miss lying on my back.
I miss beer so much I’d settle for a Keystone Light.
I miss my full lung capacity.
I miss driving past Babies R Us and not feeling possessed to spend a shitload.
I miss a normal, slut-optional wardrobe.
I miss easy leg shaving and cooter maintenance.
I miss my internal organs being properly placed.
I miss all that tasty mercury in sushi.
I miss a mellow buzz.
I miss bras with fewer than 5 prongs.
I miss NyQuil – it makes a dandy eggnog.
I miss not tasting bile every 25 minutes.
I miss a strong back for toddler hauling.
I miss snow shoeing.
I miss not being nickel-n-dimed by co-pays.
I ACTUALLY miss shoveling snow. I really and truly do. Even on a shitty day like today.

Have I mentioned that I miss getting tanked?

Pineapple infused vodka is a good treat. You can infuse whatever the hell you like into vodka, but we are pineapple people at my house.

Surprisingly, Svedka vodka works well, and Finlandia is okay too. My understanding is that the pineapple absorbs some of the impurities that make the less expensive stuff harsh. So you can use a cheaper vodka and still get tasty results.

A resourceful person will buy a glass sun tea jug thingy (with one of those cool spigots), dump in a fresh pineapple (cut up into ice cube sized chunks) and pour in a bottle of the hard stuff. Let it sit for a week and then get royally tanked on the pineapple. It’s been said you can leave it out while priming, but I think the fridge feels like a safer bet, especially in the summertime.

Pina Colada Martini
2 oz Pineapple infused vodka
2 oz Parrot Bay Coconut Rum*
1 oz Pineapple juice

Pina Colada Martini Surfing the Crimson Wave
1.5 oz Pineapple infused vodka
1.5 oz Pomegranate vodka**
1.5 oz Parrot Bay Coconut Rum
1 oz Pineapple juice

* I recommend Parrot Bay because Malibu is like sun tan lotion, and Bacardi CoCo has too high of an ABV, taking away from the smooth coconut flavor.
** Van Gogh, Pearl or Three Olives all do this. Sure, you can make pomegranate infused vodka, but I’m not trying to make more work for you.

SQUEE! How did Natalie Dee know??

SQUEE! How did Natalie Dee know??

EDIT: Upon further review, the Svedka works MUCH better than the Finlandia. Skål!

As light as it gets

March 21, 2008

edit: For those of you loadies who found this post by googling “MGD 64 alcohol content” I think it’s actually like 2.8% – Drink up, buttercups!

“MGD 64 is a sensible choice for consumers working hard to keep up with the pace of their life,” said Grant Leech, MGD marketing director. “Whether they are out with a group of friends or taking a break at the end of the day, MGD 64 provides all of the great beer aroma and flavor consumers want but with about 35 percent fewer calories than the typical light beer.”

Now those sound like the kind of people I want to identify with. If I drink this, I will get very young, very skinny, and uber cool. With an umlaut. I’m sure this quote was actually said by Grant, and not mined from lifestyle segmentation reports and injected into the press release by a booth babe.

Anyway, so it does taste decent, mostly because it doesn’t have a lot of flavor. You don’t want your light beer to try too hard with taste, because then you usually just end up with a skunky finish. I can see chugging these on a warm day and feeling pretty good about it.

Just keep in mind that the bathroom will be your BFF, because you’ll need to chug A LOT of these to get any good buzz going. I drank 4 of them last night. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s 256 calories. And I didn’t even feel my tongue so much as tingle. It turns out the alcohol content is a mere 3%. It’s so close to NA beer, that a recovering alcoholic or pregnant lady could drink this and feel no guilt.

But a dieter that wants to catch a buzz quickly over one beer might be just as well off with flavor and some punched up alcohol content, like a Lakefront Belgian White. Lakefront does a tasty job with beer. Especially when they do samples at Discount Liquor. Dude who runs that show is pimp. He wants you to try everything. Now that’s marketing.

I also see a March Madness drinking game here, somewhere: 64 Teams, 64 Calories, 64 Beers. Miller needs to put their stealth marketers on this one (i.e. the ones who don’t work on the “drink responsibly” campaign).

Have any Chambord or Frangelico around? An ounce or two in your stout will soothe the wildest Fenian beast. Use a snifter or stemless wine glass as this will hold more than a pints worth and make for good wafting. Straight up I prefer Murphy’s, but somehow Guinness has the right amount of bitter to balance the sweet in the booze. I know a very, very special guy who likes Van Gogh’s Double Espresso Vodka in his. I don’t recommend you try Baileys (curdling ick) or Starbucks liquor (too sweet). Next I will try Cointreau.

Now go get fluthered, Sláinte!

Update: Cointreau sux. The orangey gets sort of washed out and all you have left is a plain booze flavor coming through. I would like to think that perhaps Grand Marnier might be a better orange option ??