Stickiest of the Icky

December 4, 2010

Checked out from the Sha Library…Curious George circa 1985.

On the grass? Barefoot? That’s no Camel.

Dear C. Brown, can I just pick one? My kid has a penchant for firearms and art museums have too many droopy boobs.

Shorty: Daddy, why do you need more wine?
Mommy: It’s called coping, Buddy, someday you’ll understand.


Overheard in the Potty

September 14, 2010

Shorty, sitting on the potty and talking to Daddy:

“Boys have penises. And girls have…. :::thinking::: … girls have two butts.”

You know something, pal? You smell an awful lot like flowers.

Idiot proof

August 17, 2010

March 2, 2007, 6:30am, middle of a snowstorm, suffering mild contractions but going to work anyway, pulled over in an empty grocery store parking lot, on my cell phone:

Me: There’s a light on in the car…
Hubs: what is it?
Me: It looks like… a vagina
Hubs: What?
Me: Yeah, it looks like a vagina. Is the car trying to tell me I’m in labor?

It’s a vagina light, stupid!

Joyeux anniversaire

March 27, 2010

Feliz cumpleaños a ti! Feliz cumpleaños a ti! Feliz cumpleaños a ti! Feliz cumpleaños a ti!

Daddy wanted this cake for you.

p.s. Cakes While U Wait can suck my fondant teat. Applications for family cake baker now being accepted!

Hubs (to shorty): well, here it is buddy, this is where the government keeps tabs on us
Moms (to shorty): It’s our constitutional obligation as a people to be enumerated every ten years. It’s all Article 1 an’ sh… (oops, that’s right, talking to a kid)
Hubs (reading over the document):
You mean we can’t do this online?
Moms: The Founding Fathers certainly didn’t INTEND to have us use some magical adding machine likely posessed by evil spirits

(later in the conversation)

Hubs: So who gets to be Person One?
Moms: I say it’s me because the oldest one always gets listed first
Hubs: That’s certainly not what the founding fathers intended

Male chauvanist BURN!

Happy St. Patricks Day!

Three years ago right now I was pushing you out into the world. You’re welcome.

Age 3 on 3/3, you lucky bastard!

Finally, something for the frantically frazzled, overworked and underpaid baby on the go…

Too busy to eat? Really? “Listen, Mom, I know you made a nice lunch of avocado hunks and mandarin oranges, and but Elmo is going to chew my ass out if I don’t get this TPS report on his desk before 2pm. I’m going to have to ask you to just go ahead and whip up a bottle to go. Mmmyeah, thanks.”

Thankfully, they’ve come up with a genius way to make millions more off of guilt-ridden parents whose toddler goes through the NORMAL phase(s) of not eating every perfectly shaped organic pea and free-range chicken cube on their plate.

Formula 2: Chocolate Goat’s Milk Bugaloo!