Idiot proof

August 17, 2010

March 2, 2007, 6:30am, middle of a snowstorm, suffering mild contractions but going to work anyway, pulled over in an empty grocery store parking lot, on my cell phone:

Me: There’s a light on in the car…
Hubs: what is it?
Me: It looks like… a vagina
Hubs: What?
Me: Yeah, it looks like a vagina. Is the car trying to tell me I’m in labor?

It’s a vagina light, stupid!


Hubs (to shorty): well, here it is buddy, this is where the government keeps tabs on us
Moms (to shorty): It’s our constitutional obligation as a people to be enumerated every ten years. It’s all Article 1 an’ sh… (oops, that’s right, talking to a kid)
Hubs (reading over the document):
You mean we can’t do this online?
Moms: The Founding Fathers certainly didn’t INTEND to have us use some magical adding machine likely posessed by evil spirits

(later in the conversation)

Hubs: So who gets to be Person One?
Moms: I say it’s me because the oldest one always gets listed first
Hubs: That’s certainly not what the founding fathers intended

Male chauvanist BURN!

Happy St. Patricks Day!


November 6, 2009

Nothing snarky here, I just don’t want to lose this recipe now that I’ve tweaked it to the family’s liking.

Ramen Slaw Salad

1/4 cup vegetable oil
2 package Ramen Noodles
3/4 cup sunflower seeds
2 oz-ish bag slivered almonds
2 bags coleslaw mix
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup peanut oil
1/2 cup vinegar
2 tbsp soy sauce
1 can mandarin oranges

1) Heat oil in fry pan. Crush Ramen noodles while still in package. Toss out the flavor packet. It’s loaded with enough sodium and chemicals to embalm a corpse.

2) Saute noodles for a few minutes. Add sesame seeds.  After a few more minutes, add slivered almonds. Cook until slightly browned. Pour into large mixing bowl to cool off.

3) Mix together sugar, vinegar, peanut oil and soy sauce.

4) Add slaw mix to cooled noodle mixture and toss. Pour vinegar mix in and toss that salad some more. Hi eVag!

5) Add Mandarin oranges last (they fall apart if they get tossed around too much in step 4).

6) Chill. Yes YOU. Give this dish and yourself a couple of hours to marinate.

Note: this recipe is heavy on the slaw mix for punched up fiber/greens. One could add another package of Ramen noodles and/or up the sauce mix for a richer recipe. There’s a version of this that includes green onions, but I don’t like how they take over the flavor after a day or two in the fridge. This makes enough to take to a party.

Ends up looking kind of like this but slightly more toasted. Much like the cook.

Make no mistake

August 20, 2009


Welcome to the new demographic! Get comfortable, 49 is still a ways off.

Relationship rule: If (s)he’s willing to play hide the wienerwurst while you’re married (to another woman), chances are (s)he’s willing to skank around on you as well.

And why is it only a “deeply personal matter between two adults” when it’s you and not everyone else?

EDIT: Oh juicy, yet another family values hypocrite (wiping saliva off the screen).


February 28, 2009

I’ll always be your Starla, Baby.

The love that dare not speak it’s name.

The Captain Obvious tip of the day: In the summer, avoid the oven to save energy and avoid unwanted heat in the house. To that end, a trusty pressure cooker should be a staple for every green thinking cook.

Pressure Cooker Hawaiian Chicken

1 1/2 lbs boneless, skinless chicken breasts
(orange juice and paprika for optional marinade)
3 tbsp veg oil
1/3 cup green onion
1 tsp minced fresh ginger
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/2 cup orange juice
1/3 cup white wine
1/3 cup honey
2 tbsp soy sauce
1 cup diced bell pepper
1 small can Mandarin oranges
1 small can pineapple chunks with juice
2 tbsp corn starch
brown rice
chow mein noodles

1. Cut up chicken breast into 2″ chunks, sprinkle with a little paprika and marinade in some orange juice (optional, but I just like the whole marinade concept)
2. Heat oil in cooker and brown chicken. Set aside.
3. Saute onion. Re-add chicken.
4. Mix ginger (I used 1 tbsp of Penzy’s crystallized ginger), cinnamon, OJ, wine, honey, soy sauce with canned juice from the pineapple and pour over chicken. Add peppers (I used a combo of green, red and yellow from the grocery store salad bar).
5. Lock the lid in place, bring to pressure and cook for 8 minutes.
6. While cooking, make Minute Brown Rice. I make it with chicken broth to appease shorty’s taste buds.
7. Remove the cooker from heat and use the quick cool method.
8. Remove chicken to serving platter and cover to keep warm.
9. Add pineapple chunks and mandarin oranges to sauce.
10. Add 2 tbsp of cornstarch mixed with 1/4 cup water and to thicken sauce. Stir and simmer (don’t boil) for a couple of minutes.
11. Ladle the sauce into a serving bowl over chicken. Garnish with a little chopped green onion.
12. Serve with brown rice and/or chow mein noodles. Offering both is fun for the whole family.

Servings: Makes enough for a hard-working husband, his lovely, talented wife, their adorable yet tempermental toddler son, and one leftover meal too.

It’s gob-nobbity good!