Jane Addiction

Or how I spent my maternity leave…

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that post partum bitches have Austenite hormones ragin’ crazy all up in their lady business.

Top 10 list of Jane Austen film/tv thingies

1. A&E’s Pride & Prejudice – nuff said. Wont be kicked off the top spot EVAH.
2. Sense & Sensibility from 95 – Emma Thompson & Hugh Grant? shizzle
3. Clash of the Emmas – Easy, Gwyneth wins. Kate Beckinsale is less likeable. Not as unlikable as  Keira Knightly though, so I wouldn’t totally pass on her Emma.
4. Mansfield Park from 99 – Sure, the film takes major cinematic liberties against the orginial story, but it was pretty-pretty and that’s what really matters. And the newer one is way too abridged.
5. Lost in Austen – A ‘fish out of water’ story for the anglophile. Capital, quite quite.
6. Clueless – Cher/Emma? they both have four letter names and were both hymenally challenged, duh.
7. Sense And Sensibility from last year on the BBC – it was time for an updated version and they did it right well – and the dvd has the Miss Austen Regrets bonus programme
8. Persuasion from last year on the BBC – Anne puts up with more than enough daft twats and tossers to finally get her man
9. Jane Austen Book Club – Clever enough, although the Emily Blunt character’s cougar affair story is  supposed to align with Mansfield Park? some of these are kind of a stretch
10. Becoming Jane – surprisingly I don’t totally hate Anne Hathaway in it, despite the fact that she can’t do a British accent for shit.

And I guess we’ll have to see where the new Emma comes in  ??

Radical Cracker

Now that’s what I’m talkin about

Mom Jeans

I realize that I’m a 30-something suburban mom construct who refuses to wear spiky pumps, skinny jeans or skin tight muffin-top celebrating shirts. But that doesn’t preclude me from noticing that music has gotten a vag hair better lately. For a while I thought I was just a washed up fangirl because I couldn’t get behind the faux-punk emo so-called alternative (finger quotes) “extreme” sound of the WB/UPN generation. I’d like a little less whine in my radio, thx.

But I like where things are going now.

Luckily, my stroller walk infused maternity leave days forced me to update my MP3 playlist (notice I didn’t say iPod, so suck it Apple). I think a good place to download music, if you have to do it legally, is Amazon for it’s DRM-free straight up MP3s (suck it iTunes). So me, my baby and my lactomams have something interesting to listen to around the hood. Hooray for the newish neo-wave altie electronica junk. It may all mostly be an 80s rip-off, but a lot more bearable than crimped hair.

Robbing Paul to Pay Edward

Relationship rule: If (s)he’s willing to play hide the wienerwurst while you’re married (to another woman), chances are (s)he’s willing to skank around on you as well.

And why is it only a “deeply personal matter between two adults” when it’s you and not everyone else?

EDIT: Oh juicy, yet another family values hypocrite (wiping saliva off the screen).

Deep Parenting by Jack Handey

Comedy is the only thing that gets you through this parenting business. That, and cute shit your kid says about his penis.

…and now, Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey…

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid’s pillow, how about a pine cone? That way, he learns that ‘wishing’ isn’t going to save our national forests.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good lucky feeling.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it’s gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.

The face of a baby says it all. Especially the mouth part.

Still missing the Phil Hartman / Dana Carvey / Mike Myers days…

Mensa About Menses

G. Gordon Liddy is not a doctor, but he plays one on the radio. His take on 54 year-old Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor:

Let’s hope that the key conferences aren’t when she’s menstruating or something, or just before she’s going to menstruate. That would really be bad. Lord knows what we would get then.

Awesome.  I also hate when Ruth BG’s on the rag, and at her age especially. She really gets cranky about amicus curiaes and certiorari petitions and shit like that.

We all know how SMRT Liddy is, but he’s really taking the torta on this one.

Females: Extreme right winger; stay back 100 years.

Bleep you, you motherbleeping cockbleeper

“Even when used as an expletive, the F-word’s power to insult and offend derives from its sexual meaning.”
- Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, FCC v. Fox Television Stations

So this fucking guy** is now the national arbiter of what is decent and indecent. Great. But what’s worse, he’s defining the word fuck for the rest of us. Who does he think he is? King shit of fuck mountain?

And he can’t even write the word out. “F-word?” He decides what’s moral and righteous for everybody else, but then, like a third grader, doesn’t have the fucking balls to put four little letters together to define exactly what the fuck he’s talking about? Pussy.

**Don’t flatter yourself, Tony. When I use the term “fucking guy,” it carries no sexual connotation whatsoever.  (((shudders)))

An oldie but a goodie.

Meghan McCain is prettier, like, duh.

Laura Ingraham ripped Meghan McCain’s physical appearance? Puhleeze, anyone with eyes can see who’s more luscious.

Glass houses, Laura, remember those glass houses.

According to the wikis, Ms Ingraham has recently adopted a daughter from Guatemala. Let’s hope she doesn’t instill the same hateful body image shit into that innocent child that she is attempting to throw at Ms. McCain.  The only thing that would make this juicier would be if Anne Coulter were involved. NeoCon CATFIGHT!

Kiss Me…

I’m 78.3% Irish.

2T!

Happy Birthday, my sweet little pea!

Hagaversary

I’ll always be your Starla, Baby.

Not in My Backyard II

It’s about time they got back to work.

And nice to see the Supreme Court continues to be inconsistent in their logic while keeping their message to the American people loud and clear: some religions are just better than others. How very American of them! I don’t think Thomas Jefferson would be cool with this, I really don’t. Hey! Let’s get a hold of him. We really need to know what his intentions were when he wrote the first amendment. I will call this approach “framer’s intent,” and trick a lot of people into thinking he wanted the government to have a Christian preference.

In his opinion, Sam ‘I Am’ Alito wrote, “If governments must maintain viewpoint neutrality in selecting donated monuments, they must prepare for cluttered parks or face pressure to remove long-standing and cherished monuments.”

Well, that’s it. Hey, psst… governments: you don’t have to be neutral anymore. I’m pretty sure I’m well overdue for 792 Our Fathers, 674 Hail Marys, and one really long-ass Apostle’s Creed for good measure. And let the bureaucrats enforce this stuff, because if anything, they’re good at enforcing stuff. Anyone outside the cool kids ‘cherished’ religion club clearly just needs some good governmental tough love.

Inconvenience? Clutter? Potato, potAHto.

Toilet Training

No, this is not a post about my toddler’s eco-unfriendly obsession with wasting gobs of toilet paper and constantly flushing the toilet.

Dear person who works in the same building as I do but calling you a co-worker would be an overstatement,

Why do you talk on your cell phone in a our employee restroom? I’m sorry, but if I have to flush during your stall conversation next door, so be it. Maybe twice… yes, flushing twice would be a better way to get the message across, perhaps. Or is three times the charm?

And what do you think the person on the other end of your call thinks of being allocated to your bathroom time? Not to mention that your conversation has left the TMI train station and is headed straight to crazy town. Do you believe that the can is somehow a safe haven for your shit in the shitter? Do you think that what happens in the ladies room stays in the ladies room or something? When will the memo trickle down to you that your public habit is pretty much fucking disgusting?

I would sign this letter, but you wouldn’t hear me over your mindless gabbing and the masonry inspired echo of your annoying voice.

Jessica Alba is a jerk

Jessica Alba says of childbirth, “Contractions aren’t that bad. If you’ve ever had bad cramps? That’s what they’re like.”

Thanks a bunch, lady. After roughly 500,000+ years of homo sapien broads writhing in agony in the throes of childbirth, you’ve single handedly destroyed the myth. Yep, that’s right guys, childbirth is actually a walk in the park. Well, stick a fork in us, Ms. Alba has blown our cover.

Okay,  listen bitch… There’s a reason <fill in whatever you like here> adapted/designed us experience a shitload of body-splitting pain. I’m guessing it’s because <science or various dieties> didn’t want our pink parts to become clown cars. Perhaps the overpopulation of our planet with 14 or 18 children each isn’t in the best interests of the human race. Our britney’s are meant to remain delicate flowers. So yeah, childbirth is painful. REAL painful. How did anyone do it before the epidural? A little whisky on the gums or something?

With a little glitter and Swarovski crystals, of course!

Happy 200th birthday, boys!

Luv Ya! Be Mine! U R Special! Cutie Pie! Let’s Kiss! Be Tru! Yours 4ever!

Gender Fail

The sports media has nothing better to do this week, I guess, so they interviewed Rogers and he admitted he hadn’t been in contact with Favre. In said interview, Michael Irvin, the epitome of cokehead grace and all around douchebaggery manners, attempted to spin the story up.

I expect the “he never called me” whine from a 13 year old tweener, but for the media to turn this into some kind of drama makes Rogers look like a bigger pussy than Snagglepuss himself (whom I admit I love quite dearly). This is a whole new glimpse into the male world for me… I never knew that hard-ass jocks could be such freakin pansies.

Photoshop is the devil.

Something Ted Thompson can’t fubar

Yay! The Packers won the Chunky Click for Cans contest for the bazillionth straight year. They tried to even the playing field this year with a silly playoff system… Yet we still w00ted the shit out of the other 31 heartless teams and their fans, who apparently do not care as much about hunger as we do. <Insert Wisconsin fat joke here>

At least we won something.  See ya next fall, suckers!

Freeway of Love

Are the hubs and I the only sickos who noticed that Aretha really hit that first syllable of ‘country’ hard and paused on it in her song? “My count…….. try tis of thee….”

Girl, you may be the Queen of Soul, but since when do you need to work blue? I know you’re a natural woman and all, but let’s keep it clean for all the nice people.

Just don’t listen to the haters, I LOVED your big-ass, pompous crown – it was all you, honey.

Sock it to me!

Sweetness and light

Jenna and Barbara offered up some awesome advice to the Obama girls:

Our dad, like yours, is a man of great integrity and love; a man who always put us first. We still see him now as we did when we were seven: as our loving daddy. Our Dad, who read to us nightly, taught us how to score tedious baseball games. He is our father, not the sketch in a paper or part of a skit on TV. Many people will think they know him, but they have no idea how he felt the day you were born, the pride he felt on your first day of school, or how much you both love being his daughters. So here is our most important piece of advice: remember who your dad really is.

This makes me feel all mushy and snarkless. They’re really all just people, people.

Except for Karl Rove, who despite being a huge romantic, shows no indication of having a soul.

No coup d’etat up in here

Edit: After reading the inaugural address, I have the hugest ‘bama boner.

Earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

-President Barack Obama

Hooray! for the peaceful transfer of power!!

But not without some good clean lolz…

Indoctrinating little ones, one children’s book at a time.