Smoodles

Nothing snarky here, I just don’t want to lose this recipe now that I’ve tweaked it to the family’s liking.

Ramen Slaw Salad

1/4 cup vegetable oil
2 package Ramen Noodles
3/4 cup sunflower seeds
2 oz-ish bag slivered almonds
2 bags coleslaw mix
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup peanut oil
1/2 cup vinegar
2 tbsp soy sauce
1 can mandarin oranges

1) Heat oil in fry pan. Crush Ramen noodles while still in package. Toss out the flavor packet. It’s loaded with enough sodium and chemicals to embalm a corpse.

2) Saute noodles for a few minutes. Add sesame seeds.  After a few more minutes, add slivered almonds. Cook until slightly browned. Pour into large mixing bowl to cool off.

3) Mix together sugar, vinegar, peanut oil and soy sauce.

4) Add slaw mix to cooled noodle mixture and toss. Pour vinegar mix in and toss that salad some more. Hi eVag!

5) Add Mandarin oranges last (they fall apart if they get tossed around too much in step 4).

6) Chill. Yes YOU. Give this dish and yourself a couple of hours to marinate.

Note: this recipe is heavy on the slaw mix for punched up fiber/greens. One could add another package of Ramen noodles and/or up the sauce mix for a richer recipe. There’s a version of this that includes green onions, but I don’t like how they take over the flavor after a day or two in the fridge. This makes enough to take to a party.

Ends up looking kind of like this but slightly more toasted. Much like the cook.

Dope Cope

I can only deal with losing 2x to the BrettQueens by reminding myself that…

1) After 15+ years of hearing ‘Queens fans claim Favre is overrated, now they’re creaming their jeans over him. Morons**

2) Ted Thompson and his pet donkey are one step closer to the door. How many more post-game conferences do we have to hear McCarthy say, “We’re going to work on that this week” ??? Doi!

Two words: Free agency

3) The incessant snot rocketing made it obvious that any green-n-gold class he had left in his body has now dissipated and been taken over by purple loogie “pride.” Speaking of pride, it is a “bi-” week for them isn’t it? Watch out Percy Harvin, rrrraowr!

I’m thinking the punchline here is “fucking goofy,” but for now the joke is on us.

**Not you dear, of course. I know you never said something that Viketarded.

Cel-e-brate ethnic pride, Come on!

Fun with indoctrination, part deux.  Made in China. ™

Who wouldn’t want to celebrate their heritage this holiday season by giving their toddler a play set they can “relate” to? The hubs has his peeps covered:

But for me, catastrophic famine and bloody rebellion aren’t exactly the stuff of Fisher Price, so I guess I’d prefer co-opting another cool culture than to be compartmentalized into Lucky Charms, Uncle O’Grimacey and stiff-armed dancing.

I am truly, madly meshuga over this set for my little Bubeleh. I question the need for  three whole AA batteries for one tiny little musical menorah, and the challah and latkes are chokables, but if it’s properly fixed down to the table, we’re golden like gelt.

Of course, something more neutral would be ideal… Not that I want my kids turning the holiday season into a grudge match, but wouldn’t a kiddie Festivus set be sweet? Family gathered ’round the pole, miniature grandpa holding up a list of grievances aired, two little people wrestling to pin the head of household down in a most glorious feat of strength? A play set scene like that would be a Festivus miracle.

O RLY?

Well now you’re just being a dick.

“I think physically and from a talent level, this is the best team I’ve ever been on.”
-Brett Favre, October 11, 2009

Huh?

In other news, YAY! At least someone still loves us.  <<<SMOOOCH>>>

I’m Lovin’ It

Setting: Electricity is out because Weinergies can’t keep trees off their lines = we can’t get in the house (lesson learned about the lock on that fancy new door). Wet, tired and temporarily homeless, Mommy and Daddy take their precious small children to McDonald’s to kill time and eat a cheap, parental guilt-inducing dinner.

Shorty, age 2.5: :::whines loudly demanding new Hot Wheels Happy Meal car:::

Mommy & Daddy: “Hey, settle down” + “inside voice”

Shorty: (Serious face, pointing finger so as to reprimand Daddy) “THIS is McDonald’s. THIS is NOT a restaurant.”

Mommy & Daddy: :::peals of laughter:::

No Shorty, this is not the clown on Sunset.

West coast pop lock

The Wild Goose is a flippin sweet ride. If you go to the OC, do this cruise. Even better, get on a corporate charter and enjoy free booze and shrimp. Tell Captain Lars I sent you. He might even let you sit in the Duke’s chair.

“Out here, due process is a bullet!”

And if you ever need a Marilyn Monroe for your movie of the week or a fantastical hospitality suite, Susie is the best. Complete with dippy-sexy voice, rocket one-liners and shiny red lip goo. LOVE HER.

But on to the negatives… Football starting at 10am? WTF? I suppose when you’re the second largest city in the country and you still cannot support an NFL team, you deserve to choke on your own Sunday morning smog.

And fun stuff to be white-knuckling at shotgun doing 75 down a crowded LA freeway while your hubs whistles the CHiPs theme song. There were no Ponch or John to reassure me that we would be safe in the carpool lane. Not cool, Bro.

Watch out, you might get charged with driving without his phone number and being too beautiful.

Nice place, wouldn’t want to live there.

Make no mistake

Welcome to the new demographic! Get comfortable, 49 is still a ways off.

Inglorious Bastard

Hell hath no fury like a fan scorned…

Kid Friendly

You know you’re living the American dream when your 2.5 year old demands that you “Play the Funkytown!” Every. morning. Yep. EVERY.

Won’t you take me to…

DTMF Dial 3323 11 3#93

Gettin there…

Jane Addiction

Or how I spent my maternity leave…

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that post partum bitches have Austenite hormones ragin’ crazy all up in their lady business.

Top 10 list of Jane Austen film/tv thingies

1. A&E’s Pride & Prejudice – nuff said. Wont be kicked off the top spot EVAH.
2. Sense & Sensibility from 95 – Emma Thompson & Hugh Grant? shizzle
3. Clash of the Emmas – Easy, Gwyneth wins. Kate Beckinsale is less likeable. Not as unlikable as  Keira Knightly though, so I wouldn’t totally pass on her Emma.
4. Mansfield Park from 99 – Sure, the film takes major cinematic liberties against the orginial story, but it was pretty-pretty and that’s what really matters. And the newer one is way too abridged.
5. Lost in Austen – A ‘fish out of water’ story for the anglophile. Capital, quite quite.
6. Clueless – Cher/Emma? they both have four letter names and were both hymenally challenged, duh.
7. Sense And Sensibility from last year on the BBC – it was time for an updated version and they did it right well – and the dvd has the Miss Austen Regrets bonus programme
8. Persuasion from last year on the BBC – Anne puts up with more than enough daft twats and tossers to finally get her man
9. Jane Austen Book Club – Clever enough, although the Emily Blunt character’s cougar affair story is  supposed to align with Mansfield Park? some of these are kind of a stretch
10. Becoming Jane – surprisingly I don’t totally hate Anne Hathaway in it, despite the fact that she can’t do a British accent for shit.

And I guess we’ll have to see where the new Emma comes in  ??

Radical Cracker

Now that’s what I’m talkin about

Mom Jeans

I realize that I’m a 30-something suburban mom construct who refuses to wear spiky pumps, skinny jeans or skin tight muffin-top celebrating shirts. But that doesn’t preclude me from noticing that music has gotten a vag hair better lately. For a while I thought I was just a washed up fangirl because I couldn’t get behind the faux-punk emo so-called alternative (finger quotes) “extreme” sound of the WB/UPN generation. I’d like a little less whine in my radio, thx.

But I like where things are going now.

Luckily, my stroller walk infused maternity leave days forced me to update my MP3 playlist (notice I didn’t say iPod, so suck it Apple). I think a good place to download music, if you have to do it legally, is Amazon for it’s DRM-free straight up MP3s (suck it iTunes). So me, my baby and my lactomams have something interesting to listen to around the hood. Hooray for the newish neo-wave altie electronica junk. It may all mostly be an 80s rip-off, but a lot more bearable than crimped hair.

Robbing Paul to Pay Edward

Relationship rule: If (s)he’s willing to play hide the wienerwurst while you’re married (to another woman), chances are (s)he’s willing to skank around on you as well.

And why is it only a “deeply personal matter between two adults” when it’s you and not everyone else?

EDIT: Oh juicy, yet another family values hypocrite (wiping saliva off the screen).

Deep Parenting by Jack Handey

Comedy is the only thing that gets you through this parenting business. That, and cute shit your kid says about his penis.

…and now, Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey…

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid’s pillow, how about a pine cone? That way, he learns that ‘wishing’ isn’t going to save our national forests.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good lucky feeling.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it’s gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.

The face of a baby says it all. Especially the mouth part.

Still missing the Phil Hartman / Dana Carvey / Mike Myers days…

Mensa About Menses

G. Gordon Liddy is not a doctor, but he plays one on the radio. His take on 54 year-old Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor:

Let’s hope that the key conferences aren’t when she’s menstruating or something, or just before she’s going to menstruate. That would really be bad. Lord knows what we would get then.

Awesome.  I also hate when Ruth BG’s on the rag, and at her age especially. She really gets cranky about amicus curiaes and certiorari petitions and shit like that.

We all know how SMRT Liddy is, but he’s really taking the torta on this one.

Females: Extreme right winger; stay back 100 years.

Bleep you, you motherbleeping cockbleeper

“Even when used as an expletive, the F-word’s power to insult and offend derives from its sexual meaning.”
- Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, FCC v. Fox Television Stations

So this fucking guy** is now the national arbiter of what is decent and indecent. Great. But what’s worse, he’s defining the word fuck for the rest of us. Who does he think he is? King shit of fuck mountain?

And he can’t even write the word out. “F-word?” He decides what’s moral and righteous for everybody else, but then, like a third grader, doesn’t have the fucking balls to put four little letters together to define exactly what the fuck he’s talking about? Pussy.

**Don’t flatter yourself, Tony. When I use the term “fucking guy,” it carries no sexual connotation whatsoever.  (((shudders)))

An oldie but a goodie.

Meghan McCain is prettier, like, duh.

Laura Ingraham ripped Meghan McCain’s physical appearance? Puhleeze, anyone with eyes can see who’s more luscious.

Glass houses, Laura, remember those glass houses.

According to the wikis, Ms Ingraham has recently adopted a daughter from Guatemala. Let’s hope she doesn’t instill the same hateful body image shit into that innocent child that she is attempting to throw at Ms. McCain.  The only thing that would make this juicier would be if Anne Coulter were involved. NeoCon CATFIGHT!

Kiss Me…

I’m 78.3% Irish.

2T!

Happy Birthday, my sweet little pea!