Stickiest of the Icky

Checked out from the Sha Library…Curious George circa 1985.

On the grass? Barefoot? That’s no Camel.

Dear C. Brown, can I just pick one? My kid has a penchant for firearms and art museums have too many droopy boobs.

Shorty: Daddy, why do you need more wine?
Mommy: It’s called coping, Buddy, someday you’ll understand.

Overheard in the Potty

Shorty, sitting on the potty and talking to Daddy:

“Boys have penises. And girls have…. :::thinking::: … girls have two butts.”

You know something, pal? You smell an awful lot like flowers.

Idiot proof

March 2, 2007, 6:30am, middle of a snowstorm, suffering mild contractions but going to work anyway, pulled over in an empty grocery store parking lot, on my cell phone:

Me: There’s a light on in the car…
Hubs: what is it?
Me: It looks like… a vagina
Hubs: What?
Me: Yeah, it looks like a vagina. Is the car trying to tell me I’m in labor?

It’s a vagina light, stupid!

Joyeux anniversaire

Feliz cumpleaños a ti! Feliz cumpleaños a ti! Feliz cumpleaños a ti! Feliz cumpleaños a ti!

Daddy wanted this cake for you.

p.s. Cakes While U Wait can suck my fondant teat. Applications for family cake baker now being accepted!

Feelin Kinda Three Fifths

Hubs (to shorty): well, here it is buddy, this is where the government keeps tabs on us
Moms (to shorty): It’s our constitutional obligation as a people to be enumerated every ten years. It’s all Article 1 an’ sh… (oops, that’s right, talking to a kid)
Hubs (reading over the document): You mean we can’t do this online?
Moms: The Founding Fathers certainly didn’t INTEND to have us use some magical adding machine likely posessed by evil spirits

(later in the conversation)

Hubs: So who gets to be Person One?
Moms: I say it’s me because the oldest one always gets listed first
Hubs: That’s certainly not what the founding fathers intended

Male chauvanist BURN!

Happy St. Patricks Day!

I love you kissing monster

Three years ago right now I was pushing you out into the world. You’re welcome.

Age 3 on 3/3, you lucky bastard!

The answer at the bottom of the bottle

Finally, something for the frantically frazzled, overworked and underpaid baby on the go…

Too busy to eat? Really? “Listen, Mom, I know you made a nice lunch of avocado hunks and mandarin oranges, and but Elmo is going to chew my ass out if I don’t get this TPS report on his desk before 2pm. I’m going to have to ask you to just go ahead and whip up a bottle to go. Mmmyeah, thanks.”

Thankfully, they’ve come up with a genius way to make millions more off of guilt-ridden parents whose toddler goes through the NORMAL phase(s) of not eating every perfectly shaped organic pea and free-range chicken cube on their plate.

Formula 2: Chocolate Goat’s Milk Bugaloo!